Jubilee smiled and thought to herself, These Ijebu people will learn today. They have been hearing Warri, warri, warri, they will see a warri woman proudly possessed by Warri spirit today. She glanced at her husband-to-be; he was all smiles, he had been smiling like a retard since the day she said “yes” to him. It had been practically impossible to make him frown; but today, by the time she was through with him, in fact all of them, he would look for his smile and not see it. She giggled when she pictured what his face would look like. He heard the giggle and asked her what was wrong. She smiled and told him she was just so happy that they were getting married.
Another party was going on about three houses away; it was a burial ceremony. The speakers were booming and she could hear fuji music playing. She knew the man that died. When he was alive, she and her friends were the ones who fed him. Whenever he smelled their cooking, he would come and sit at their doorstep, and they, knowing what he wanted, would serve him a plate of food. He begged to live, begged to feed, begged for clothes to wear; he begged for practically everything. But when he died, the whole town discovered that he had eight well-to-do children. They had come home, repainted the house, printed a colourful obituary with the traditional “Call to Glory” written on it. They had declared that the burial would take seven days and had found a pastor to conduct the ceremony. They had secured the services of a fuji musician, an apala musician and had invited Yinka Ayefele to perform too. They had killed 7 cows; one for each day. The ceremony started six days ago; today was the seventh day. Today, February 14, 2015. Valentine’s Day! Ijebu people, what is their own with Valentine or Pilate’s day? You are the one that knows what you are celebrating. If Ijebu people have a burial on New Year’s Day, they will celebrate it, dance and drink.
If not that the church she attended on campus as a student, and where she saw her “will of God” in marriage, had only one location, and that location is in Ijebu, she would not have dragged her parents all the way from Warri to Ijebu. But that notwithstanding, today is her day, and she will enjoy it.
She was going to enjoy her engagement ceremony and the drama that would follow. She had been looking at the engagement materials that her husband’s family “brought.” She knew the list offhand; she had asked for leniency for her “will of God” because he was still looking up to God for a good job. But she saw something that wasn’t on the engagement list among the engagement materials. She saw a car key; she saw it almost the same time her mother did. Their eyes met and she smiled and nodded.
She had heard stories of Ijebu people doing engagement and asking the bride to pick what she wants from the engagement load, then the bride would pick a Bible and they would all start singing, “The B-i-b-l-e, It’s good enough for me…” Muguns! The heavens forbid! She smiled again; these people are in for a shock.
After the alaga iduro and alaga ijoko from her church had finished fleecing both families of their cash, they called on her, the bride, to come and pick what she wants from the engagement materials on the table. She smiled, adjusted her iro, and stood up. She moved over to the table. They had decorated the Bible very well and put it in front while the car key was at the back. She smiled again. These people will learn today.
The alaga iduro addressed her: “Sister Jubilee, oya o, these are the gifts your husband’s people brought, they said you should take whatever you want o.”
She smiled again, and just to be sure, asked, “Whatever I want?”
The alaga laughed and confirmed it. “Yes, whatever you want.” Who wouldn’t laugh after collecting money for flight, money to open letter, money to unveil the wife, money to read letter? Who wouldn’t laugh?
Jubilee moved her hand towards the Bible, the crowd was about to start the B-i-b-l-e song, when she removed the biro that fell on the Bible, stretched her hand to the back and picked the car key.
The hall grew perfectly still.
The alaga moved quickly to remedy the situation and whispered, “Sister Jubilee, you are supposed to pick the Bible.”
She deliberately shifted her mouth to the microphone and asked, “Why? You said I could pick whatever I wanted.”
She looked at her soon-to-be in-laws, her husband’s mother looked pale as she clutched her Bible tighter. The husband looked like he would drop dead any minute. She looked at her parents; they were nodding. Her mother gave her a look that said, If you drop that key, na amadioha go finish you.
"Why will I pick a Bible? I have about eight versions at home. I have concordance Bible, I have Matthew Henry, I have Thompson, I have Yoruba and English Bible. Why would I need another Bible?"
The pastor “conducting” the engagement whispered something to her husband-to-be; he looked at her and wanted to stand up. She shot him a look that made him sit down and open his Bible.
The ceremony could not continue as the owner of the car refused to be pacified. He was calling the police when Jubilee told the family to inform her of the new engagement date, walked out of the ceremony with her parents giggling behind her.
Moral: Nor try that sh*t with me o; if my wife no wan take am, I will pressure her into doing so. Don’t drop car key and expect her to pick Bible. Hian! For what nah? We chop crase, abi crase chop us?